Ha! White Settlers were Gods!

Take that Obeyesekere! - Pacific Islanders aren't rational.

In other news the London Prodigal has had time on his hands. While scouring the internet he came across an application that allowed him to represent any world power throughout history. Naturally enough he chose 15th Century Montenegro - the Montenegrin Empire now stretches from Vienna to Kashmir. Various Sunni insurgencies have been quelled and missionaries are at this moment converting her different peoples to the Orthodox Church.

More Sexy Whitman...

From Song of Myself:

Walt Whitman was last seen in a chemist in Croyden, rubbing himself meditatively against a packet of imodium. Dogtooth, who had dropped in to pick up his mid-morning Anadin, reports that Walter was smiling benignly and inviting fellow shoppers to look for him under their bootsoles. O Captain! My Captain! indeed.

Series: The Body Electric - Walt Whitman's Uncontrollable Libido

'Such-like I love - I loosen myself, pass freely, am at the mother's breast with the little child'. tbc

Dogtooth craves nudity...

I recently went for a drink with Dogtooth. He was suffering from what Anthony Burgess repeatedly refers to as a crapula, and treated himself to an iceless Pepsi. No sooner had I got my tentacles round a pint of Deuchars IPA than the conversation turned to the concept of indecency. Dogtooth pointed out that the first thing a rational legal system would do is to remove the concept that certain body parts should be illegal. As far as I can work out the order of illegality goes thus: breast excluding nipple, buttocks, female nipple, flaccid penis, vagina, anus, and erect penis. These specific parts of the body must be hidden away. A rational person might venture to suggest that nothing should be illegal based on a capacity to offend. A good number of people are offended by the sight of fat people kissing, but very few advocate taking legal action against such offenders.
Let us consider the horror of 200,000 Americans who phoned in to complain about a momentary glimpse of Janet Jackson's breast. The Newt's stance on breasts is the same as its stance on homosexuality; there are only two legitimate responses: arousal or indifference. The fact that someone has taken an illogical dislike to a particular part of the human body does not mean they can expect the police to enforce a state of affairs where they can pretend such a body part doesn't exist. The lamest excuse of all is to mention children. Do people think that the healthiest way to raise a child is to keep them in complete ignorance about the existence of breasts until they grow a pair, or marry someone with a pair?
I exhale slowly and sink back into the dark waters.

Beefamato Update

Earlier in the week, Hamilton floated to the surface, jabbering erratically about Beefamato and Alec Baldwin's troubled marriage. He was referring to a claim, made by the Wikipedia 'Beefamato' article, that Baldwin's marriage to Kim Basinger was plagued by his relentless promotion of the Beefamato drink.

It was with great sadness that I discovered today that the article was a hoax. Assuredly, many people rely on Wikipedia as an accessible source of information, but the Newt is of the the opinion that there is a legitimate niche for hoax-articles, provided they are occasional, elegant and imaginative. Follow the link below for an exemplary hoax (Dogtooth assumes it's a hoax, but would be delighted to wear orthopedic shoes if anyone can provide them):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter_%28businessman%29


Update: After further research, it appears that the article might not be a hoax. Dogtooth is inclined to reserve judgement until all the facts are in.

Top Post-Newt Toff in Heroic Puppy Rescue

As I am currently under attack from both the gutter press and the crown prosecution service, my PR agent, a large invisible rabbit called Harvey, has advised me to soften my image. Hence the fact that all posts from now until I get bored of it will contain images specially selected to soothe self-righteous journalists and humourless magistrates.

Top Post-Newt Toff in Boarding School Drug Shame Hell

Porter can disclose that Hamilton was once in a room at his £200,000-a-year boarding school. The same room was later used for drug abuse. Hamilton has asked the gutter press to respect his private life. Post-newt does not consider itself to be 'Gutter' and can reveal the full extent of Hamilton's antics. tbc

The dead hand of the state is preventing me from breeding monkey soldiers!

A handful of curses on Ms Flint, the Public Health Minister, and her move to ban the creation of chimeras, animals with human genetic material which could have significant medical significance. The Newt himself is such a creature, and we can only be grateful for his ongoing existance. I, for one, choose to blame the Health Minister, the power-crazed Ms Hewitt (the mention of whose name can send Dogtooth into a foamy-mouthed rage). I plan to have wings by 2020, and no government will stand in my way.

Quote of the Day (or Hamilton waking up in the morning)

'Push a button - piff bang - where are we? Another Scotch, please.'
- Graham Greene, Our Man in Havana

Apropos of nothing

The cold weather is over, and already we have to look forward to the inevitable naffness of summer. Dogtooth is sliding into a small private hell of Anadin addiction. At some point last night I am fairly sure somone sprayed me in the eyes with a water pistol filled with liquor.

Follow the...Brick Road

Bagel, Beigel, Beygl, Beigal. Brought to you by:

Yum! Brands

What time is it?

Ten to Anadin!

Top Tory Toff in Boarding School Drug Shame Hell

Well, Cameron smoked drugs in school. Let the cries of horror and disgust echo round Britian. The truth is, no-one is really surprised in the least, and deep down, no-one gives a toss. I cannot in all honesty believe that there remains a person in Britain who is shocked by drug use. It calls to mind the ludicrous image of Bill Clinton puffing, but not inhaling, on a joint, before diplomatically passing it along. What people are doing is not reacting with genuine horror to an action they find repugnant, but working themselves up into a self righteous tizzy for the hell of it. I can understand the arguments for banning certain narcotics, even if I am not convinced by them. What I cannot understand is this manufactured revulsion of a person who holds different views to you on this fairly minor issue. Compared to some of the deeply divisive issues in Cameron's past, most notably his support of the war in Iraq, a sly toke at the age of fifteen is a massive irrelevance.