Saturday, 17 February 2007

Ha! White Settlers were Gods!

Take that Obeyesekere! - Pacific Islanders aren't rational.

In other news the London Prodigal has had time on his hands. While scouring the internet he came across an application that allowed him to represent any world power throughout history. Naturally enough he chose 15th Century Montenegro - the Montenegrin Empire now stretches from Vienna to Kashmir. Various Sunni insurgencies have been quelled and missionaries are at this moment converting her different peoples to the Orthodox Church.

Friday, 16 February 2007

More Sexy Whitman...

From Song of Myself:

Walt Whitman was last seen in a chemist in Croyden, rubbing himself meditatively against a packet of imodium. Dogtooth, who had dropped in to pick up his mid-morning Anadin, reports that Walter was smiling benignly and inviting fellow shoppers to look for him under their bootsoles. O Captain! My Captain! indeed.

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Series: The Body Electric - Walt Whitman's Uncontrollable Libido


'Such-like I love - I loosen myself, pass freely, am at the mother's breast with the little child'. tbc

Dogtooth craves nudity...


I recently went for a drink with Dogtooth. He was suffering from what Anthony Burgess repeatedly refers to as a crapula, and treated himself to an iceless Pepsi. No sooner had I got my tentacles round a pint of Deuchars IPA than the conversation turned to the concept of indecency. Dogtooth pointed out that the first thing a rational legal system would do is to remove the concept that certain body parts should be illegal. As far as I can work out the order of illegality goes thus: breast excluding nipple, buttocks, female nipple, flaccid penis, vagina, anus, and erect penis. These specific parts of the body must be hidden away. A rational person might venture to suggest that nothing should be illegal based on a capacity to offend. A good number of people are offended by the sight of fat people kissing, but very few advocate taking legal action against such offenders.
Let us consider the horror of 200,000 Americans who phoned in to complain about a momentary glimpse of Janet Jackson's breast. The Newt's stance on breasts is the same as its stance on homosexuality; there are only two legitimate responses: arousal or indifference. The fact that someone has taken an illogical dislike to a particular part of the human body does not mean they can expect the police to enforce a state of affairs where they can pretend such a body part doesn't exist. The lamest excuse of all is to mention children. Do people think that the healthiest way to raise a child is to keep them in complete ignorance about the existence of breasts until they grow a pair, or marry someone with a pair?
I exhale slowly and sink back into the dark waters.

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Beefamato Update

Earlier in the week, Hamilton floated to the surface, jabbering erratically about Beefamato and Alec Baldwin's troubled marriage. He was referring to a claim, made by the Wikipedia 'Beefamato' article, that Baldwin's marriage to Kim Basinger was plagued by his relentless promotion of the Beefamato drink.

It was with great sadness that I discovered today that the article was a hoax. Assuredly, many people rely on Wikipedia as an accessible source of information, but the Newt is of the the opinion that there is a legitimate niche for hoax-articles, provided they are occasional, elegant and imaginative. Follow the link below for an exemplary hoax (Dogtooth assumes it's a hoax, but would be delighted to wear orthopedic shoes if anyone can provide them):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter_%28businessman%29


Update: After further research, it appears that the article might not be a hoax. Dogtooth is inclined to reserve judgement until all the facts are in.

Top Post-Newt Toff in Heroic Puppy Rescue


As I am currently under attack from both the gutter press and the crown prosecution service, my PR agent, a large invisible rabbit called Harvey, has advised me to soften my image. Hence the fact that all posts from now until I get bored of it will contain images specially selected to soothe self-righteous journalists and humourless magistrates.

Top Post-Newt Toff in Boarding School Drug Shame Hell

Porter can disclose that Hamilton was once in a room at his £200,000-a-year boarding school. The same room was later used for drug abuse. Hamilton has asked the gutter press to respect his private life. Post-newt does not consider itself to be 'Gutter' and can reveal the full extent of Hamilton's antics. tbc

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

The dead hand of the state is preventing me from breeding monkey soldiers!

A handful of curses on Ms Flint, the Public Health Minister, and her move to ban the creation of chimeras, animals with human genetic material which could have significant medical significance. The Newt himself is such a creature, and we can only be grateful for his ongoing existance. I, for one, choose to blame the Health Minister, the power-crazed Ms Hewitt (the mention of whose name can send Dogtooth into a foamy-mouthed rage). I plan to have wings by 2020, and no government will stand in my way.

Quote of the Day (or Hamilton waking up in the morning)


'Push a button - piff bang - where are we? Another Scotch, please.'
- Graham Greene, Our Man in Havana

Apropos of nothing

The cold weather is over, and already we have to look forward to the inevitable naffness of summer. Dogtooth is sliding into a small private hell of Anadin addiction. At some point last night I am fairly sure somone sprayed me in the eyes with a water pistol filled with liquor.

Follow the...Brick Road

Bagel, Beigel, Beygl, Beigal. Brought to you by:

Yum! Brands

Monday, 12 February 2007

What time is it?


Ten to Anadin!

Top Tory Toff in Boarding School Drug Shame Hell

Well, Cameron smoked drugs in school. Let the cries of horror and disgust echo round Britian. The truth is, no-one is really surprised in the least, and deep down, no-one gives a toss. I cannot in all honesty believe that there remains a person in Britain who is shocked by drug use. It calls to mind the ludicrous image of Bill Clinton puffing, but not inhaling, on a joint, before diplomatically passing it along. What people are doing is not reacting with genuine horror to an action they find repugnant, but working themselves up into a self righteous tizzy for the hell of it. I can understand the arguments for banning certain narcotics, even if I am not convinced by them. What I cannot understand is this manufactured revulsion of a person who holds different views to you on this fairly minor issue. Compared to some of the deeply divisive issues in Cameron's past, most notably his support of the war in Iraq, a sly toke at the age of fifteen is a massive irrelevance.

Saturday, 10 February 2007

Rugby, mixed metaphors, etc

England 20 - 7 Italy

At one point during the match, commentator Brian Moore wandered unhappily into a thicket of musical annotation, describing the game's 'tempo' as 'flat'.

Dogtooth will very shortly be taking a scalding shower to irrigate his clammy scalp, and wash away the tenacious odours of stale smoke and pedantry.

‘I’ve got an idea; let’s try to stab each other with swords. That should lay to rest any bad blood between us.’

I've been reading a study of Duelling in late 19th century Germany: the writer, Kevin MacAleer, keeps up an interesting and detailed examination of the motives and signficance of the duel in this specific setting until the last couple of pages, when he rather casually starts talking, with tedious inevitability, about the SS, Hitler, and the Holocaust. This book, which had previously shown no signs of being one of those odious social histories (Lawn Darts - the hobby that changed the world, Cheese and Onion – the flavour that changed the world) decides, upon smelling the irresistible smell of the Fuhrer only thirty years away from the period being discussed, to explode into a silly, imprecise, pan-historical discussion of honour in Germany. The SS didn’t fight duels, and they weren’t around in the 1880’s, but never mind, because a book about Germany has to end with the Nazis doesn’t it? Bleargh.
In other news, my elbow inexplicably hurts, and the area outside my front door smells like chocolate and baked potato skins.

Beefamato

Why have I never heard of this tasty sounding drink, and its effect on Alec Baldwin's marriage, before?

Friday, 9 February 2007

Dogtooth and Hamilton discourse on student interaction over a questionable turkey supper

A friend of Dogtooth mentioned recently that she had received a severe dressing-down for tardiness from her rowing cox, accompanied by the prospect of 'being sent on a run', should it happen again. The age difference between Dogtooth's friend and the cox cannot be more than a few years. Dogtooth fumed at the absurdity of the situation. A rowing team or any other kind of team moves forward from the presumption of a mutual interest in the success of that enterprise. Infantile threats made to twentysomething women are not only inappropriate, they are completely unnecessary. Dogtooth might react badly if someone accidentally kicked him in the shins; he does not, however, threaten that person with press-ups. The pathetic image of some scrawny little shit in lycra, red-faced and puffing, and screaming uncontrollably at a group of indifferent students is altogether more than Dogtooth can bear.
At the time, Hamilton was finding his usual eloquence impeded by a crimson bolus of red cabbage and cranberry sauce, but he nevertheless correctly identified the category error.
The relationship, for example, between employee and employer, mused Hamilton, differs markedly from that of a five-year-old boy and his PE teacher in the sense that it is no longer dependent on respect. It is a free and mutual exchange of services for money from which either party can retreat at any time (subject, of course, to their contractual agreement). That someone should feel subordinated to his employer in any way, other than in terms of employment hierarchy, is quite unnecessary.

Thursday, 8 February 2007

National Union of Students declares war on logic and rationality.

The short days of winter bring the sun swiftly over the yard arm and I'm already well into the supermarket own-brand alcohol, but the idiocy of every day life still prickles unabated. I'm referring primarily to a campaign currently gaining momentum among the underemployed figureheads of student 'politics': an attack on the Blood Service's policy that a man who has had recently had penetrative sex with another man is exempt from giving blood. I quote from the Facebook group Donation not Discrimination, which has a hefty 1,420 members:
“Gay and bisexual men are banned by the National Blood Service (NBS) from donating blood for life, female partners of bisexual men are also affected. This year we are running a nation wide campaign to change this policy, donation not discrimination.”
This group is clearly insane. I can't believe that anyone would advocate a move which would increase the risk of HIV infection for those receiving blood transfusions. Men who have sex with men are the single most vulnerable group in terms of HIV infection. In brute terms, a sexually active male homosexual is far more likely to have HIV than a man who does not have homosexual sex, assuming that neither are recent immigrants from an area with high HIV infection rates or intravenous drug user (both these groups are barred from donating blood as well). Blood can contain HIV and be infectious for up to six months before it shows up on tests, so it is perfectly legitimate to screen people who have been engaging in high risk activity recently from giving blood, be those activities heterosexual or homosexual. It is virtually impossible to find a heterosexual male who does not pay for sex, travel outside Europe or take drugs intravenously who is HIV positive.
The Post Newt is very far from homophobic. Fear or dislike of gay men is in its basis the most irrational of all prejudices: the member of a specific religion may attack purely on the (perhaps misinterpreted) tenets of that religion, the member of race different to ones own have been known to attack as a result of that difference, but homosexuality has never been known to pose a threat to the heterosexual. There are two logical reactions to homosexuality: arousal and indifference. ‘Gay Bashing’ has more to do with a taste for violence than distaste for sodomy. So once we clean our minds of any idea of discrimination what are we left with? A demographic prone to HIV. This entire campaign is tied up with our continued cultural fear of HIV. To say that a practising homosexual is prone to infection is not some sort of blood libel, any more that to say that I (Hamilton strikes own chest manfully) am more likely, as a fair skinned individual to contract skin cancer is a melanist attack on the ‘Aryan race’. It is pure chance that HIV happens to be prevalent among those individuals that society has traditionally condemned, those who practise homosexual sex, intravenous drug use and prostitution (all activities, incidentally, which The Post Newt heartily condones, and plans to market over the internet in the near future).
Well, back to the Squidcave for me: go forth and sin no more.

Obscenities in Literature

One TLS correspondent recently perpetrated the following:

There is yearning in Andrew McNeillie’s third volume, 'Slower', a desire to record and remember; senescence drifts through its pages like bonfire smoke.

(Dogtooth shudders.) Spare us the godforsaken amateur poetry next time. You can't just go around writing things like that in respectable journals! This is the TLS, after all, not the Post-Newt.

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Many happy returns of the day

Valiant Newtist Merv is 20 today. Merv began his life in the coat-pocket of a consumptive New York con-artist. He fled home aged 12 and emigrated to the UK, earning his passage by washing towels on the steamship. At 13 he began an apprenticeship at a multinational shipbroking firm, under the kindly gaze of a leopard. One year later he was eaten...by the leopard. His funeral was held at Brentwood Cemetary. Attendance was slim.

Happy Birthday, Merv!